


I'm Searching For Something That I Can't Reach

by Jala



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, I'm Sorry, Kind of songfic, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-04
Updated: 2016-12-04
Packaged: 2018-09-06 12:38:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8751709
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jala/pseuds/Jala
Summary: Where can you find passion when you're alone? What can you do when the only one that made everything better left without a word?(Victuuri angst)





	

**Author's Note:**

> Unbeta'd, unedited, all mistakes are my own
> 
> kinda inspired from Ghost - Halsey

Sighing, Yuuri turned in his bed. Again. He opened his eyes and took his phone.

_5:12 AM_

Well, another sleepless night it is, he thought. Sighing louder, he got up and rubbed his tired eyes. He took his glasses on his bedside table and went to the bathroom. Lighting up the room, he looked at himself in the mirror.

The black-haired man looked frankly horrible. The black circles under his eyes welcomed him like any old friend would, his eyes had no more light in them and his face was pale, almost as if he was sick.

Maybe he was really sick. It has been nearly a month since he really went outside. Three months since Victor left without any word. A month of unanswered questions and crippling pain. He could almost think of him without any emotion now. He disconnected himself from his own emotions for the sake of his sanity.

It wasn’t a sight any would like to see when his coach turned lover left without saying anything. At first, it looked like any normal day, he would go to the rink and practice until his body screamed of pain, come home, eat and go the hot bath with Victor and sleep together like they always did. Victor left the rink early with a cheery "Goodbye Yuuri!", which wasn’t unheard of, so Yuuri didn’t think anything of it and smiled at him. He said goodbye to Yuuko and left the rink, feeling good about his training and looking forward to the evening. But when he got home, Mari, his mother and father were waiting for him at the door, pain clear on their faces. He didn’t understand what was happening, but when his mother came and hugged him, only saying one thing, he understood:

"Maccachin is gone."

He crumbled right there on the floor, trying to comprehend what was happening, to put one and one together,trying to breathe but failing to. He took his head in his hands and pulled hard at his hair, eyes wide open and mind whirling everywhere and anywhere. His mother was embracing him strongly, but he couldn’t feel her. His chest caved as it tried to bring air but nothing happened. Yuuri tried to scream but nothing happen. He was shuddering like mad and couldn’t see anything in front of him clearly. No one could help him now, no one was there for him, no one could make it better.

Because the only one who could just left without a word.

 

* * *

  

He stayed in his room for a complete week, just trying to think about he had done to make _him_ go. Had he said or done something wrong without knowing? But _he_ wasn’t someone to leave just for something so trivial. _He_ came to Japan to coach him _specifically_ , damn it! Yuuri thought and thought about it, thinking enough to hurt himself and lose sleep. He almost ate nothing, only indulging his mother when she came and put a tray on his bed, waiting with her hands on her hips until he ate everything in it. He tried to text and call _him_ for a while, leaving countless messages but to no avail. At last he just shut his phone off and stared at the ceiling without really seeing it.

He didn’t answer to Yuuko, Pichit or anyone else for another week. He just listened to the song of Victor’s last free program and closed on himself. He couldn’t feel anything and didn’t want too. He found it kind of convenient, so he just laid there, wishing time to pass.

After this, Yuuko came forcefully to talk to him on the third week. When she saw the poor state he was in, she looked kind of… sad? Or angry? He just stared blankly at her, not able to comprehend what she meant with that look. She took him by the arm and pushed him in the bathroom with clean clothes and told him they were going out. He followed her lead and took care of himself properly for the first time in weeks. He looked at the pitiful reflection the mirror gave him and merely sighed. His disheveled state, the bags under his eyes and the sharp angles of his cheeks were the result of so much sorrow he couldn’t do anything about it now. He got ready and left with Yuuko, blinking from the almost-forgotten sun above their heads. She brought him to the only place she could think of to help him: Ice Castle Hasestu.

Unfortunately, as soon as he saw the rink, Yuuri stopped dead on his track and refused to go further. In his panic, he missed the pained look Yuuko send his way. They got back to Yu-Topia and that was the first and last time Yuuko tried to make him go outside. The raven-haired man couldn’t see himself skate anymore. It was worse than when he finished last at the Grand Prix Finale. Now, his idol wasn’t there to motivate him to find his love for the sport back. _He_ was the reason he lost his passion.

 

* * *

 

In his fourth week after Victor left, Yuuri now couldn’t care less about what he was going to do with his life. Probably taking after his parents for the inn, or find a job that fit his degree. He finally turn on his phone for something else than the clock, and saw a lot of notifications. Pichit for sure, a bit of press questions, Yuuko and even Yuri left a message (‘‘What are you doing, katsudon?! Are you still practicing because I’m sure as hell going to beat you this season!!!’’) but nothing from Victor. No news, no texts, no voicemails. The black-haired man didn’t answer to anything, instead he swallowed the lump in his throat and went to Victor’s social medias. And for sure, Yuuri had stopped feeling, but nothing could have prepared him to see Victor with some non-descript girl on Instagram, flashing a dazzling smile, an arm around her waist.

" _Having the time of my life rn!!! #blessed’"_

Really, Yuuri almost outright laughed when he saw that. He laughed at how _similar_ to how it was once upon a time with him. Change the girl with Yuuri’s flustered form, and you could think it was a few months ago when nothing bad had happened yet. His laughs faded into sobs as the reality set in his mind.

To Victor, Yuuri was just another in the world. He was at his disposal, like every other person was. He then understood that Victor would always stay unreachable, as something you can fantasize about but are forbidden to possess. Yuuri realized Victor helped him getting better for the Grand Prix, because at the end he finished with the silver medal, but without him there to focus him and motivate him, it felt pointless to continue. He didn’t feel good about skating anymore, only thrown back into memories he preferred not to think about. He did one of the only brave thing he had ever done. He opened a new app and wrote the last thing he would ever write for his public life, then turned off his phone and breathed deeply.

"Thank you to everyone who supported me through my career. I couldn’t have gone this far without you. Those years have been amazing and I’m grateful. It is now time to turn the page."

No more comments were given and with that, Katsuki Yuuri, top Japanese figure skater, stopped being.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry for this angst, I swear I find Victor pure and he wouldn't do that but I needed angst with them so yeah
> 
> comments/kudos are always appreciated!
> 
> btw you can find me @ulisyx on tumblr


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